>be me at mall
>going to the Big and Tall to find some XXXXXL shirts and 68" jeans
>hear gunshots in the distance
>the sounds of war approacheth
>my time has come
>strip down to birthday suit
>grab bottle of Tactical Body Oil© I always carry, apply it liberally
>waddle out into main hallway
>see three terrorists with AK's walking out of the cafeteria area
>all three immediately blinded by my obese, bleach white, glistening oil coated body
>I harness the power of blubber and get a running start, then dive so I skid across the ground like a penguin
>I slide into all three terrorists, knocking them down into a teen girls clothing store
>they try to grab me, but my oil coated body is too slippery
>immediately grab the muzzle of one AK while the terrorist fires, thus having the bullet enter a fire extinguisher
>fire extinguisher jets goes off like a rocket, decapitating one terrorist and creating a giant cloud of white dust
>in the confusion, I roll over and get behind Twilight movie poster display
>two more to go
>both terrorists are now up, trying to find me
>one walks in front of me
>I scream "GHOST GUNS!" to get his attention, he swivels and looks
>he is immediately blinded by the sparkly vampire in the Twilight dislay
>I burst through display and wrench the AK from him, then put two to the head
>the last terrorist sees me, opens fire
>I jump and take cover behind the register
>see an iPod attached to the speakers for the store
>have an idea
>plug my ears with tissues
>immediately turn on 'Friday' by Rebbecca Black
>the terrorist drops to the ground screaming in pain, clutching his ears
>I jump up and pump the rest of the mag into him
>I stand there, wheezing, realizing my true form
>I am the apex predator
But yeah anyway, I'd probably carry an M&P Shield.
